What Not To Say

I am usually good about filtering my words.  I can be sarcastic, deadpan, cutting, all of that, but usually I keep it under some sort of control.  But oh, sometimes I wish I didn't!

My department used to have the switchboard phone for the library.  It always made me laugh when I'd get this sort of call:
Caller:  Hi, I'm looking for a book?"
Me:  "Sorry, we're all out."  (see?  I filter that!  But wouldn't it be fun to say?)

Then there are the people who don't have their ID or library card or whatever but still want to get stuff...
Patron:  Why do I need my ID?  It's just the library!
Me:  Why do I need my driver's license?  It's just driving!


Patron:  What do you mean, I'm blocked?  I had my brother's girlfriend's aunt return that book for me four months and three days ago!
Me:  Really?  You remember the exact day that well?  You trust your brother's girlfriend's aunt that much?  And why did they have to be responsible for your stuff anyway?


Kid:  Why do I gotta have my mom sign for a card?  I just wanna get on the computers!
Me:  Because your mom is probably exactly the kind of person who'd sue us for every last brick of the place if you got some kind of cyberstalker, or got a glimpse of a naughty website, or just about anything else they don't agree with, and we didn't have their signature saying they're the ones responsible and we are not babysitters.
Kid:  What's "responsible" mean?
Me:  *headdesk*

Patron:  But some other staff member let me do it last time!
Me:  Must... control.... Fist of DEATH!!!

Isn't it really good I have a filter?

There are other things to filter, but they're more subtle.  The Staff Picks Display, out in the lobby... oh, I could mess with that!  Here are some items I resist putting out there:

Toxic Coworkers: How to Deal With Dysfunctional People On the Job
Managing Your Most Difficult Customers
What Color is Your Parachute?
The Four Hour Workweek
I Quit! Quit Your Job and Regain Your Life
How to Really Stink at Work (by Jeff Foxworthy)

There are tons more I could mention.  Stuff about bosses, job "teams", customers (or patrons or clients, whatever you want to call the people who essentially keep you in business), early retirement, job dissatisfaction, so many subjects that you probably don't want other people at work to see you reading.  If I really did assemble this display, I would hope someone would see the irony in it.  Staff Picks?  Get it?

Come to think of it, it'd probably be a pretty popular display!

And really, the vast majority of people I see across the desk are a real joy to deal with.  This is an interesting town, with loads of character: the good, the strange, and the just goshdarn interesting.  I'd really miss it if I were in the back room all the time.